I saw the signs.

Yes I saw the signs from the time my child could sit up. He didn’t turn his head when you called his name and I know he could hear. He mostly played with toys like other babies but there were times where he would fixate on things that would spin, so I bought him the Playskool gear board that had spinning gears 🙂 He loved it! Yes I saw the signs. I knew it wasn’t a good sign when I picked him up while he was focused, so he didn’t hear my warning, and he flapped his arms out and threw his head back and started to scream. I knew. But you know what made me forget or ignore it for a while? My Little Man saying “MaMa” for the first time. Him burrowing into me while wrapped in a blankie when he was tired. The smell of Little Man after a bath mmmmmm. Nope Nothing was wrong with my perfect Little Man. How can you label that?! I struggled with the label of Autism I was on the outside looking in and fighting a battle with this label that I didn’t want anywhere near my son. I saw Autism the way the world did and still does and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want people to look at my son like that. To have teachers treat him differently and whisper behind their hands and say he’s Autistic like its a curse word. Yes I saw the signs no I didn’t accept them. I was in denial. I saw the way he freaked out when walking by an automatic hand dryer he covered his ears and screamed. I saw the way he almost threw up while watching some one else eat jello or even if you just wiggled it in front of him. I noticed that if you gave him 3 instructions he could only follow the 1st one. But I also noticed that he had empathy if someone was hurt he would rush to get ice or tell a teacher. That he would help or share whenever he could, somethings he just wasn’t willing to part with. When he would cuddle in my lap for evening story time. Yes I still struggled I was still in denial and no one could make me get a diagnosis not even my husband…. trust me they tried. Was I ready yet when he hit kindergarten??? Nope. 1st Grade??? Nope but I will admit he is hyper and impulsive I will try a diet change. Well the diet change didn’t work I had to admit defeat and put him on meds and I want the school to do a full psych ed evaluation…….did I just ask that???!!!! Yes I did. The schools policy is they can’t help the child unless they are 2 years behind unless they have a disability. Well my son needed help he is at basic or below basic in every subject and I want him to catch up so I put Little Man on the meds and he was finally tested in 2nd grade. Do I still hate the label yes I hate the way the outside world perceives Autism. But no it’s not an ugly label to me anymore. It’s my son.

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One thought on “I saw the signs.

  1. I really like this post.

    “Do I still hate the label yes I hate the way the outside world perceives Autism. But no it’s not an ugly label to me anymore. It’s my son.”

    This is the way I wish my parents had thought about me. They too went through this sort of journey, and fought the label for years. But sadly, they still hate the label and everything about it. I’m very glad that you have reached a point where you can accept the label for your son, even if it is only as a way for him to get help and support.

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